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Friday, November 18, 2011

Rules of Engagement: Mission Impossible, Your First Holiday Season Together!

Your first holiday season as newly weds can be a tricky one.  With the bird scheduled to land in less than a week, and no doubt turkey plans are more than likely well under way... I thought I would share some words of advice to all you bloggettes out there who may be feeling a bit "stuck in the middle".

No doubt you are starting to feel the pressures as a newlywed... your parents expect your undivided attention, as does his.  Maybe things are even more complicated if you have extended families due to second marriages or other interesting additions.  Let's not forget, as you begin your new life together and create your own nuclear family... what about time for yourselves?  All the "where to spend the holidays stress" can be enough to dim anyone's lights.

Here are my tips on how to get through the holidays without hurting anyone's feelings while keeping your sanity in tact!

1. Prepare for the emotions that come with this new transition of roles as husband and wife. Things are different now.  While for the most part, that different is a wonderful, blissful feeling... it can also make you feel void from your old role as a single gal.  The holidays are a time that will highlight your new martial status, not only for the two of you ... but also for everyone close to you... including parents.  Your parents may feel hurt, or brushed off by the new traditions that you create for the two of you that will undoubtedly shake the traditions they have created and celebrated over the years. Understand, that this will wear off in time and everything will feel "normal"
in time and the new traditions will be embraced.

The stress of the holidays can bring out the worst in everyone. People love holidays for all of their joy and traditions and the time that they get to spend with family.  Also remember though, that the holidays are a time of reflection and make voids feel deeper.  Loved ones may miss others they spent holidays with before.  Sometimes, even surrounded by love the holidays can make people feel lonely.  Do not take any hurtful words said during the holidays personally, especially in your first year as a married couple as the change rocks the sleigh for everyone.  Tread holiday emotions lightly... and learn to forgive and forget.

2. Prepare for hurt feelings a head of time.  Discuss a game plan for holidays in advance if possible.  It may be too late for Thanksgiving, but not for Christmas.  Think about what is special to both of you as traditions with your families and work up your plan from there.  You will be better armed going into the discussion that way.  "Mom, your Christmas breakfast has always been my favorite part of the holiday season for me since we were little. That's why I want Brian to experience that with our family and we will do dinner with his family".  While mom probably will still want you around for dinner and miss you when you are gone... you've flattered her, kept your favorite tradition alive and still allowed time for both sets of family.

3. Stick together.  You are a team now... and your family (you and your husband) are the immediate family with both sets of families as extensions which make you stronger.  Embrace the WE in your new marital status. It's not HIS family or MY family, it's OUR family.  Work together and stand behind eachother as the discussions get tense.  When in doubt, use phrases like "This is what works best for us" or "This is a decision that we made together with our families in mind"

4. Find a time somewhere in the chaos to celebrate a holiday tradition just the two of you.  Whatever that tradition be, no matter how big or small it is important that as a married couple now you begin to create your own holiday traditions together.  These do not have to be on the holiday itself, but any time that you two can take a moment to spend together.  It is important, especially your first year married that you set a tone for your holiday traditions and embrace the wonderful blessing that you two together have many many years of holiday traditions together and that you have committed to creating this life together, as husband and wife.



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